glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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