The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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