In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
