dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I need a burrito and a hug.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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