mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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