So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
