I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
high people should be assigned attendants
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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