I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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