I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
