your thong is hanging out like whoa
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
