Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Randomize
