I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
