i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
