Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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