I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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