He disabled his match.com account in front of me
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
