Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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