when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
