How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
