you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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