I'm really into asian looking animals
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
