when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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