I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
