I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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