you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
