I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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