Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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