After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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