So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
