Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I am naked and annoyed.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
