I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
