I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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