I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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