My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Randomize
