I skipped work to stalk him.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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