Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
