It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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