Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
