i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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