Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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