I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
