I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
