You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize