Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
