I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My cat gives me a boner
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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