I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
