Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
