Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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