Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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