WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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