The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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