My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Randomize
