Swine flu. Run for my life!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
