u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
